I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
