i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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