How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
