I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
