He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize