it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
