I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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