Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
