the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
