Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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