Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
