I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
