i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
