Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
