I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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