i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
