I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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