I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
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I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
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Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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