If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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