my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
