I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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