Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
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We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
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I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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