put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
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I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
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I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?