worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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