Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
