New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
