you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
foreskin is a definite game changer
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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