i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
