Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
