Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
