Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
