Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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