If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
