I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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