Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
