I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
