Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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