I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
