Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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