I must be too annoying 4 u.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My vagina is very pro this idea
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
