She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
