epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
