Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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