You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
