Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
