Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
