If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
