if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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