I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
