trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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