i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
