you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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