Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
