I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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